too much

Today my mind has been racing and every time I slow down and just look around it keeps going back to that dark place that every mil-spouse worries about. Deployment. Yea I know I have a while before I have to worry about that word, but after this morning I cannot get it out of my head. You see I was scrolling through the blogs that I missed during my couple of weeks sans internet and I came across this, and my heart broke. It is still breaking and I believe it will continue to break as the days go on until I can push away the fears. Deep down no matter what I tell myself about "yea his MOS doesn't deploy much" or "he will be on the FOB the whole time" blah blah blah.... it still doesn't help the fact that by him signing the line and swearing that oath we could have finalized the date for when he will leave us. Don't get me wrong I will be the first to tell you that I believe 100% when God wants you to come home He will take you, whether you are in the middle of a war zone, sitting on the back of your motorcycle or just playing football in the yard with your kids. When He wants you He will take you and He could care less what you are doing and how dangerous it is, you will go when its your time. But as a mil-spouse I know I can speak for everyone when I say that we think about death a lot more than the average person. It is in our face every day, I am not saying that we know of people dying every day but we do know what our husbands and wives have been and are training to do. We are not stupid or naive yes we signed up for this but it doesn't mean that we are going to turn our backs and just say "Oh well it will never happen to me..." it does happen and it could happen. We can only hope and pray that each and every day that God gives us with our spouses is lived and enjoyed to the fullest. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully let my brain wrap around everything that goes along with a deployment and in knowing myself I know that in a lot of ways it would be best if I didn't think about the full extent of what a deployment means. I realize that I still have quite a while before I even have to worry about a true deployment coming into our near future but ever since August, and even way before that, when KS signed those papers it has always been in the back of my mind. That is the greatest reason why I just moved the kids and I over 1200 miles just to be with KS again. This is a good 6 months + that we will be able to spend and enjoy with him that we will never be able to get back again, and at the end of the day I want to be able to say that I have spent every possible moment I could with my husband b/c we all know that when God is ready to call us home we won't get any second chances for more time with those that we love and cherish. We will have only what He has given us and I want to make sure I have taken full advantage of everything He has given me.

Please head on over to and give her some love and support. I cannot imagine the pain and sorrow that she is feeling right now, but I do know that we can shower upon her as much love and support as we possibly can.... Rest in peace Mr. P.