On hold.

You know how you feel when you have been waiting on hold for what seems like centuries. The elevator music playing in the background and your phone on the speakerphone setting while you fiddle around on facebook or walk around the house debating whether to unload the dryer or clean out the dishwasher. That slightly annoyed but still  complacent feeling you get, you know, before the severe annoyance of being on hold for half the day sets in. That is where I am at right now. I cant decide what I want to do or where I want to go. I feel as if my life has been put on hold and I don't really care enough to change it. It is a sucky unaccomplished feeling to have. Its a feeling that I want to change; I just don't have the drive to change it. Its like I don't care enough to change it. I am perfectly fine with the monotone colors my life has taken on since KS left, and that scares me. There are more nights now that I go to sleep and wake up with my eyes burning and red from crying the night before. I have no reason to cry we are blessed with excellent communication, we see/talk to each other daily and we are blessed beyond belief for that, and yet for two nights this week I have cried. When I stop and think about it deep down I believe it is the accumulation of many things, deployment included. I am fixing to turn 26, my husband is in the middle of a war zone, my parents prepaid for my collage and I have yet to take full advantage of it, I want to go to the gym and start working out on a near daily basis and yet I don't, I want to sew and let my creativity run wild with fabric and painting and yet I don't. I just cant find the drive to do it, and I cant help but wonder if I force myself into doing these things if it will all crumble b/c my heart isn't quite in it yet. I know and fully realize that 26 is young, but if I am going to be honest it is way closer to 30 then to 20 and that fact scares the crap out of me. I am afraid to age, I am afraid to look in the mirror one day and see someone I don't recognize. Vain I know but it is the God honest truth, I don't want to get older. There are so many things that I want to do and so many ambitions that I want to conquer and yet I just sit here on hold accomplishing nothing, and I don't even understand why. I don't get why I cant get myself to step up the the proverbial plate of life and take a swing . What am I afraid of?? Yes I totally flunked out of my college math class and I have no idea how I will pass it the second time around but I have got to quit using that as an excuse. It cannot be what holds me back any longer. I want to have a smokin' hot body when KS gets home from deployment, heck, I want to be looking good when he gets home on R&R. I don't want him to come home to the same old me, I want him to go back thinking damn she is lookin good, not oh well hopefully she starts doing something now. I want to start working towards my goals by first getting all of my basic college courses completed and passed. All I have left is my two maths and the final English and they will all be done, then I can focus on taking classes towards what I want to do with my life. Delivering babies and becoming a licensed midwife. I need to light a fire under my ass and get to it, enough with being on hold. I am going to drive myself mad if this continues. I want be able to hold my head up and be proud of myself instead of just being okay with my life and my accomplishments, and I want KS and my parents to be proud of me too. Aside from my kids they are the three most important people in my life and I feel like I am letting all of them, myself included, down and I am sick and tired of it. Starting Monday I am taking myself off of hold, I am calling the gym and getting Cayleigh-Grace registered with their daycare. I am going to call the people who hold my free college credits and see if I can even access them being out of state, and I am going to get my butt in gear and start doing something with my life.