It's not goodbye, it's see you soon.

This is my story, of my life and feelings leading up to deployment #2, not only is this deployment #2 it is also the second time in this year that we have had to say "see you soon.."  The second time we have faced the D word... 2011 will be known for deployments in my family, both for goodbyes and hellos.  

Sept 21st- Here we are once again looking down the barrel of another deployment. By the time he leaves again he will have only been home 5.5 months.... These past 5.5 months have been a blessing and blessing that could have and should have been so so much shorter. If it hadn't of been for his back issues we would have said "see you soon" again months ago instead of in a few weeks. Is it so wrong to be thankful for something that causes my husband pain day in and day out? If it is then I am a terrible person, but that pain kept him from being sent to a place we would never want him to go, a place where each day would be spent in worry and fear.... A place that I pray for day in and day out for the ones who went.

Yesterday I was feeling the weight of this deployment. I was feeling the sadness and heaviness that comes from knowing we will have to watch him leave again in such a short amount of time and for such a longer amount of time this go round. In so many ways for me deployments are a weight I have to bare until his boots are on the ground and I am in his arms again. I literally carry it with me day in and day out. Homecomings are in many ways hard to describe if you are looking to express what you feel within. When KS came home in April I had no clue how heavy the pack was I was carrying but seeing him again lifted all of that. I was able to stand up straight, to breathe again... I could literally feel the difference within my body... the stress just lifts and seems to evaporate into the wind, but now the pack is back. I can feel it filling itself up with each passing day. I can feel the weight of it settling into my back and on my shoulders.... I can feel it settling in for the long haul. Some days pass and I can barely feel it it is just a paper that blows in the wind, one that I feel rustle along my back and other days... other days it feels as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but this is how it goes. This is deployment. Some days you breeze through the day and its okay you think to yourself "I've got this no big deal..." and other days if feels as if you can barely function in this world... I am not looking forward to getting back into this cycle and while I am already starting to feel it it is nothing compared to while he is away...