Deployed; We are officially a Blue Star Family.

 November

 *Nov 2nd, By the time this posts he will already be gone and we will have officially started the Big D; our first deployment. Right now its November, 2nd to be exact and the word deployment is still leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I think it should considering I have only had 24 hours to really let it sink in that he is going to be gone for a year. When he comes home I will soon turn 27, Kiale will be 8 and a half, Colin will be soon to turn 7, and our precious Cayleigh-Grace will be 3 and a half years old. We will have spent our entire 10th year together and 70% of our 8th year of marriage apart. Welcome to the Army folks! Right now I am  handling the news better then I imagined I would. Probably because I knew what was coming and I had prepared myself to say goodbye to him before Christmas even got here, so January feels like a blessing to me right now. With two months to go before this giant year long roller coaster begins I am feeling confident, proud, and scared out of my wits. Confident, because I know that he will do great over there and because I know I can handle things back home. Proud, because of what my husband is doing; helping to protect our family, friends, and our country's way of life. Scared... yea that is an understatement, what if someone breaks a bone on my watch or what if the unthinkable happens... or what if we drift apart instead of becoming closer through the distance and time. All of the what ifs are a waste of time even thinking about at this point. I am confident that we will become closer and that everyone will be okay once this year comes to a close, even if someone breaks something along the way. If you wouldn't mind keeping the 5 of us in your prayers, and hopefully this year will pass quickly and uneventfully.

*Nov 5th, I just woke up. KS is at PT and all I can think about is him being gone for a year. KS is fixing to hit his 1 year anniversary with the Army in just a couple of weeks and I was laying in bed thinking about all that has happened within this past year.... it just makes being able to wrap my head around him missing from our lives for that same amount of time unfathomable. I just cant wrap my head around it... We still haven't told the kids yet, I don't think either of us are ready for it to be quite that final.

*Nov 12th, We told the kids and KS's Mom last night. She took the news better then I had expected, but we both think she lost it on the way home. The kids just don't get it, they have no idea whats coming. I think it has been too long since KS was away at BCT and they don't remember what it was like to be away from him with no contact for so long. I was really hoping to be able to prepare them for this but its obvious now that they are still too young and cannot grasp the concept of a year away from their Daddy.

*Nov 14th, I asked Kiale why he wasn't upset that KS was leaving for so long. He said "Its so far away I'm not going to worry about it right now. I will be sad when it gets closer and when he is gone." That is so my son, glad to know at least one of the kids has adopted my way of thinking.

*Nov  27th, lost it at the hunting club tonight. Our buddy Scott was ragging on me for pouting, I just couldn't help it. It is so hard not telling any of our family and friends what is going on. No one except for our parents, and our sisters know about this deployment... I have a feeling it is going to hit the rest of my family like a ton of bricks when they find out, and I know for sure certain people are going to be livid with us for not telling them but we had no real choice. So, if this is how you are finding out sorry.

December

*Dec 1st, I hate to see it be December, because I know that January is right around the corner and so few days of January will be spent together... I just hope we can make it though Christmas without letting the cat out of the bag so to speak.... It is so hard having so much I want to talk about and share through this blog and not being able to sucks.

*Dec 27nd, woke up crying this morning. KS will only be gone on a 5 day hunting trip and it is already affecting me. It just made everything that is going to happen within the next month seem so real. I guess it was a wake up call so to speak. I have decided one thing, we are going to be staying BUSY during the length of this deployment. The first thing I need to do after the new year is find out what sports I can get the boys into and if the indoor swimming pool is opened back up again so the kids can restart their swimming lessons. Not to mention I STILL have to get all three of them setup with CYS so I can take advantage of those 16 free daycare hours per kid once this deployment actually begins.

*Dec 31st, The kids Daddy Dolls came in!! I cannot for KS to give them to them. We are waiting until the day he leaves. It will be their present to make the day go a little easier. I even got the recordable inserts for them, I hope they love them.

January

*Time A- Well we told the last of our family today, well the family we are telling at least. Hopefully everyone will keep their mouths shut and not spread the news around until after he is out of the country. Everyone took the news well and I swear some people could care less, although I think they never really cared about KS anyway. Not that it matters its just more annoying to me then anything else.
 

*Time B- KS is on night shift and I found myself just staring at his picture on my computer. It is going to be so hard not seeing his face around here anymore. Sure we will have pictures, but that is nothing compared to the living breathing version that I love so much. I am going to be bored out of my mind with no one to pick on me and drive me crazy. I know I have the kids, but that just isn't the same. I cant play fight and wrestle with them the way KS and I do on a regular basis, who am I gone to spar with? Its going to be a long hard year without my husband and love here.

*Time C- Went to bed before KS last night, which is nothing new. I swear the man must be part owl, but as I laid down without him an overwhelming feeling of loneliness swept over me. It was a feeling I have never experienced to that depth before, but I guess it is one that I will grow accustomed to feeling very soon. Every time I think about how close we are to his departure date I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me. Literally my stomach lurches and I loose my breath for a couple of seconds, not to mention the tears that I fight back if I let the thought linger in my head for more then 30 seconds.

*Time D- Well it finally hit Colin last night. KS was repacking all of the bags that have been taking up my dinning room for the past month and Colin asked him where he was going. We explained where and when again and Colin just ran up the stairs crying. I guess it finally hit him when we said KS was leaving in a week for a year.

*Time E- It is so close now, and I feel like the walls are literally closing in on me. I haven't had a total breakdown yet, but it is coming. It is getting harder and harder to fight them off and my stomach feels like it has found a new permanent home in my throat. I don't want him to see me cry, and I don't want him to see the hole that is forming within me, but it is going to happen. Hopefully I can make it through these next couple of days and I can let the emotions of the past three months take over and I can loose it alone. Without him  going through the pain of seeing me in the condition I know I will be in.

*Time F- Totally lost it this morning, you know the cry. The ugly one where you are hyperventilating and shaking so bad you can barely stand. Yea, that was me first thing this morning. Mornings are the hardest for me now that we are so close. By 11 o'clock I was fine, but before that I was a mess... in fact I don't think mess accurately describes it.  Just a little over 48 hours now. God give us the strength to get through these next couple of days. I will need it and so will the kids. There is no amount of preparing that we can do to really get prepared for this. It is what it is, and it is hard.

*Time G-  Less then 18 hours now... I am just ready to get the goodbyes over with and start marking the days off until I see him again. I think both of us are very much ready to begin this journey.