Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I cannot help but find myself laughing at people on facebook sometimes. Its not me being mean its just the reaction to the lifestyle that I am growing accustomed to. People will say how they miss their hubbys while they are at work during the day. I totally get that I was the same way, when KS was working I couldn't wait for him to come home. The afternoons and weekends where my favorite parts of the day, and on those special days when he would be home for lunch were made just that much better, but now... now it is totally different. Life is different, it is empty in so many ways. I guess that is really the best way to describe it. You see I am one of those women who loves their husband more then their children. That sounds terrible doesn't it? I promise I love my kids more then life itself and I would lay down my life for them in an instant but it is different with KS, when we wed it was till death do you part. I believe I will always love him more, but that is the way it was meant to be isn't it? If you loved your children more then your spouse, your soul mate, then there would be something seriously wrong with your relationship. When we had our children we knew that eventually they will find loves of their own and start their own lives away from us, have children of their own, and then the cycle will repeat. Children only spend a short amount of time with us, 18 years (give or take a few) it is such a short period of time in contrast to the lifetime I plan to spend with KS, and yes our children with be here long after we are dead and buried. We will love our children every day of our lives, but I do not want my children to be dependent upon me their entire lives. I want them to grow and succeed on their own, without our help. Of course we would help them however they needed it (within reason) but I want them to know that they can survive without us, I do not want their lives to revolve around us to the point where they think they have to depend upon us for everything. Anyways... tangent over... with KS gone there is definitely this part of me that is empty. It is truly the strangest feeling, this feeling of longing, sadness, loving, and emptiness all mixed in together to form one cohesive emotion. The best way to describe it would be that it feels like I have this numbness in my chest that just wont go away. Sometimes I don't notice it as much as others but it is always there. Its strange really. I have a feeling it will magically disappear in about a year when KS is home with us again and this deployment is behind us, but for now it will remain where it is.


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