This is difficult... Predeployment.

Written January 2, 2011~ This part of being a military wife is hard to say the least. I don't even think the word difficult could even begin to describe the feelings and emotions that are surrounding my husband and myself right now. We are down to just a few short weeks before this deployment begins and it is hard to even describe what I am feeling. Today for instance I woke up and it was the first thing that I thought of. These days are the hardest. Its like I have this clock in the back of my mind that is a fixture in my peripheral vision. It isn't your normal everyday clock that is ticking away the minutes of the day, but it is a clock that is ticking down. Taking time away from us and it is constantly making its presence known. Every sweet moment between my kids and their daddy and even in the night when my husband and I have just finished making love the clock chimes and reminds me that the day is gone and that this is one last time that I will be able to hold my love for the next year or even see him wrestle with the boys or snuggle with our Grace. This is usually when the tears begin to fall and when the sadness sets in. This is when I feel the most vulnerable and the most transparent. It always hits me the hardest after sex, I don't know if it is just the emotion and hormones that are released that brings all of the sadness of pre-deployment to the forefront of my mind to the point where I cannot block it out or what, but as soon as we are through the tears start to fall.

Later on the 2nd~ Going about my day to day things no one could even guess that we are facing deployment. Unless you were to come into our house and see the bags and bags of Army gear packed and ready to be shipped overseas. We are not acting different and whatever emotion we are feeling is safely tucked away during any away time. Even when we are home and just doing our normal every day things it is as if this deployment is just a word and a thing we have to go through. We do not dwell on it and we do not even really discuss it. It is just there the big elephant in the room that at this point in time is staying silent in its corner just waiting and watching for when the ball finally decides to drop and become a permanent fixture in our household. The kids know and have known for quite some time. I was discussing it with the boys today while KS was at work (it is easier for me to talk about it when he isn't here) I was reiterating the fact that KS will be gone for a year, he will miss holidays, birthdays, plays, and anything else of significance trying to make sure that the boys understand what is going on and Colin flat out said the only thing he understands is that KS will be gone. I guess for a five year old that is all I can expect and really all that he needs to understand. They all know that KS loves them and wants to be here but he has to go and fight a fight to insure that people and families just like us are kept safe, and that parents can tuck their kids into bed at night without having to worry about terrible things happening. The next part will be to remind the kids day after day that KS loves them dearly and that he wants to be home but at this point in time he needs to be over there helping to protect everything that this country stands for.

Deployed; We are officially a Blue Star Family.

 November

 *Nov 2nd, By the time this posts he will already be gone and we will have officially started the Big D; our first deployment. Right now its November, 2nd to be exact and the word deployment is still leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I think it should considering I have only had 24 hours to really let it sink in that he is going to be gone for a year. When he comes home I will soon turn 27, Kiale will be 8 and a half, Colin will be soon to turn 7, and our precious Cayleigh-Grace will be 3 and a half years old. We will have spent our entire 10th year together and 70% of our 8th year of marriage apart. Welcome to the Army folks! Right now I am  handling the news better then I imagined I would. Probably because I knew what was coming and I had prepared myself to say goodbye to him before Christmas even got here, so January feels like a blessing to me right now. With two months to go before this giant year long roller coaster begins I am feeling confident, proud, and scared out of my wits. Confident, because I know that he will do great over there and because I know I can handle things back home. Proud, because of what my husband is doing; helping to protect our family, friends, and our country's way of life. Scared... yea that is an understatement, what if someone breaks a bone on my watch or what if the unthinkable happens... or what if we drift apart instead of becoming closer through the distance and time. All of the what ifs are a waste of time even thinking about at this point. I am confident that we will become closer and that everyone will be okay once this year comes to a close, even if someone breaks something along the way. If you wouldn't mind keeping the 5 of us in your prayers, and hopefully this year will pass quickly and uneventfully.

*Nov 5th, I just woke up. KS is at PT and all I can think about is him being gone for a year. KS is fixing to hit his 1 year anniversary with the Army in just a couple of weeks and I was laying in bed thinking about all that has happened within this past year.... it just makes being able to wrap my head around him missing from our lives for that same amount of time unfathomable. I just cant wrap my head around it... We still haven't told the kids yet, I don't think either of us are ready for it to be quite that final.

*Nov 12th, We told the kids and KS's Mom last night. She took the news better then I had expected, but we both think she lost it on the way home. The kids just don't get it, they have no idea whats coming. I think it has been too long since KS was away at BCT and they don't remember what it was like to be away from him with no contact for so long. I was really hoping to be able to prepare them for this but its obvious now that they are still too young and cannot grasp the concept of a year away from their Daddy.

*Nov 14th, I asked Kiale why he wasn't upset that KS was leaving for so long. He said "Its so far away I'm not going to worry about it right now. I will be sad when it gets closer and when he is gone." That is so my son, glad to know at least one of the kids has adopted my way of thinking.

*Nov  27th, lost it at the hunting club tonight. Our buddy Scott was ragging on me for pouting, I just couldn't help it. It is so hard not telling any of our family and friends what is going on. No one except for our parents, and our sisters know about this deployment... I have a feeling it is going to hit the rest of my family like a ton of bricks when they find out, and I know for sure certain people are going to be livid with us for not telling them but we had no real choice. So, if this is how you are finding out sorry.

December

*Dec 1st, I hate to see it be December, because I know that January is right around the corner and so few days of January will be spent together... I just hope we can make it though Christmas without letting the cat out of the bag so to speak.... It is so hard having so much I want to talk about and share through this blog and not being able to sucks.

*Dec 27nd, woke up crying this morning. KS will only be gone on a 5 day hunting trip and it is already affecting me. It just made everything that is going to happen within the next month seem so real. I guess it was a wake up call so to speak. I have decided one thing, we are going to be staying BUSY during the length of this deployment. The first thing I need to do after the new year is find out what sports I can get the boys into and if the indoor swimming pool is opened back up again so the kids can restart their swimming lessons. Not to mention I STILL have to get all three of them setup with CYS so I can take advantage of those 16 free daycare hours per kid once this deployment actually begins.

*Dec 31st, The kids Daddy Dolls came in!! I cannot for KS to give them to them. We are waiting until the day he leaves. It will be their present to make the day go a little easier. I even got the recordable inserts for them, I hope they love them.

January

*Time A- Well we told the last of our family today, well the family we are telling at least. Hopefully everyone will keep their mouths shut and not spread the news around until after he is out of the country. Everyone took the news well and I swear some people could care less, although I think they never really cared about KS anyway. Not that it matters its just more annoying to me then anything else.
 

*Time B- KS is on night shift and I found myself just staring at his picture on my computer. It is going to be so hard not seeing his face around here anymore. Sure we will have pictures, but that is nothing compared to the living breathing version that I love so much. I am going to be bored out of my mind with no one to pick on me and drive me crazy. I know I have the kids, but that just isn't the same. I cant play fight and wrestle with them the way KS and I do on a regular basis, who am I gone to spar with? Its going to be a long hard year without my husband and love here.

*Time C- Went to bed before KS last night, which is nothing new. I swear the man must be part owl, but as I laid down without him an overwhelming feeling of loneliness swept over me. It was a feeling I have never experienced to that depth before, but I guess it is one that I will grow accustomed to feeling very soon. Every time I think about how close we are to his departure date I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me. Literally my stomach lurches and I loose my breath for a couple of seconds, not to mention the tears that I fight back if I let the thought linger in my head for more then 30 seconds.

*Time D- Well it finally hit Colin last night. KS was repacking all of the bags that have been taking up my dinning room for the past month and Colin asked him where he was going. We explained where and when again and Colin just ran up the stairs crying. I guess it finally hit him when we said KS was leaving in a week for a year.

*Time E- It is so close now, and I feel like the walls are literally closing in on me. I haven't had a total breakdown yet, but it is coming. It is getting harder and harder to fight them off and my stomach feels like it has found a new permanent home in my throat. I don't want him to see me cry, and I don't want him to see the hole that is forming within me, but it is going to happen. Hopefully I can make it through these next couple of days and I can let the emotions of the past three months take over and I can loose it alone. Without him  going through the pain of seeing me in the condition I know I will be in.

*Time F- Totally lost it this morning, you know the cry. The ugly one where you are hyperventilating and shaking so bad you can barely stand. Yea, that was me first thing this morning. Mornings are the hardest for me now that we are so close. By 11 o'clock I was fine, but before that I was a mess... in fact I don't think mess accurately describes it.  Just a little over 48 hours now. God give us the strength to get through these next couple of days. I will need it and so will the kids. There is no amount of preparing that we can do to really get prepared for this. It is what it is, and it is hard.

*Time G-  Less then 18 hours now... I am just ready to get the goodbyes over with and start marking the days off until I see him again. I think both of us are very much ready to begin this journey. 

Exhausted But Well

I don't know how else to better title this post, because that is exactly what the five of us are right now; exhausted but well. At 8:30 last night we headed out to big Shands after talking with a friend of mine who is a Nurse. Cayleigh-Grace's fever was up to 104 she was extremely lethargic and her legs were twitching a little bit. She has been running a fever since Saturday afternoon. We were scared to death to be perfectly honest. We got to Shands at about 9:15, they called her into the triage room to get her vitals at 10:00, 1:00, and 4:00. They gave her what looked like a double if not a triple dose of Tylenol. They finally had a bed for us in the Peds ER unit at 5:00... 8 hours after we got there! As my Mom said Shands is not the fastest place in the world but it is one of the best. Once we got to the unit things went really quick. The nurse started a pic line and did a catheter for a urinalysis, KS stayed with her during both of those. I just couldn't watch, hearing her scream and cry was hard enough for me. I was in charge for watching our sleeping boys and making sure they didn't get into trouble. She also took two vials of blood They were concerned that there was some underlining cause for her just having a fever with no other noticeable symptoms. Thankfully all of the test came back fine and all of her numbers were in the normal range. They went ahead and ordered a scalene drip to rehydrate her. The boys were wonderful they slept most of the time thankfully. They didn't run around or act up at all. It was wonderful... well as wonderful as waiting for 8 hours in a waiting room in extremely uncomfortable chairs can be.

They decided that she just has a virus right now. She is still running a fever but we just have to let it run its course. Hopefully it will start easing up soon and she will get over this thing. They said that Kiale has the same virus as well. So I am very happy to say, No Swine Flu here!! We made it back home at about 9:30 and slept until 1:00, no school and KS only went into work for a couple of hours, I have a feeling we will all be in bed by 8:00 tonight!

Its coming...

As September draws to a swift close I find myself have fewer good days and more and more bad days. This month has flow bye... and once October gets here I feel that there will be no going back. Not that I regret our decision to join the military, but it is very hard to know that in just roughly a month and a half I have to say goodbye to my husband for basically a year. Thankfully he will get leave in December for Christmas, and then we will see him again in February. Its just so hard to think that I won't be able to run up to the shop and see him whenever I want to, and I wont be able to kiss him and tell him I love him just because I feel like it... he wont be here to receive it. I know I am a strong woman, but boy am I having some serious doubts right now. I don't know if I can handle this... I feel so sad inside... just miserable... Thankfully in seeing how fast September has gone by I know that our time apart from KS will go by quickly as well. It is just so hard to imagine myself without him for any amount of time, especially voluntarily away from him. Yes, we chose this life, and I know that this is the right decision for us. I know that this is what we should be doing, and I know that this is what God wants for our family. If it wasn't I would not have such a strong feeling of comfort whenever I think about it... but boy is it going to come at a price....

On a lighter note, my year anniversary of blogging is coming up on the 5th of October... I was thinking about having a giveaway to celebrate my 1st blogging birthday. So stay tuned on the 5th to see how to enter.

54 days...

54 days... that is what he told me yesterday.
54 days until he leaves...
54 days until I become a single and yet married mom...
54 days until I have to drop the most important person in my life off at a hotel and spend the remainder of my time with a cell phone attached to me...
54 days until I start jumping every time the phone rings hoping its him...
54 days until I see what "hard" really is...
54 days until I become the proudest wife there is seeing my husband fulfilling his dreams and becoming the person he wants to be...
54 days until I become a stronger wife and mother...
54 days until we become an entirely new family...
54 days until we become who we were always meant to be...
54 days until we put "our" family first and the rest of our family second...
54 days until we become an Army family.

Time

I have had a rough couple of days, the reality of everything is beginning to settle in and to be perfectly honesty I am scared. Scared of just how fast these next 3 months are going to go, between school and soccer. Not to mention just everyday life they are going to fly... and I am not sure if I am ready for that yet. I am not ready to drop my husband off at a hotel and then not hear from him for who knows how long. I know I will talk to him on or around Thanksgiving, and thankfully he will be coming home for Christmas, but then he leaves again... I know it will be okay but it is just so hard to face the unknown and this is a big unknown.

Finding My Hole...

So today started out as one of those normal days. Peace mixed with its fare share of chaos a bit of yelling, tantrums, and sweet hugs with kisses all mixed in. I spent the day cleaning, slaving over the stove... well actually throwing some pork in the crock pot and turning it to high... but the first part just sounded better... over all it was a very good day. I was actually into the cleaning and was thoroughly enjoying myself and the fruits of my labor. Then 2:30 rolled around. Normally I love it when the boys get home but today was different. I am immediately told that Kiale was put on the fence again (second day in a row), and the boys are hard wired and talking well above inside voices. In fact I think they were talking in voices that could be heard across a football stadium. So needless to say my patience level went from high to minimal within seconds. So after a stop at Walgreen's and CVS both for Valentines. We finally made it home, after what seemed like an eternity. They didn't have Transformers at both stores, only 1 pack at Walgreens, 1 pack & 2 kids who both want Transformers Valentines... enough said. Once we returned home the noise level continued to rise... isn't it amazing how that happens, noise goes up and for some reason it always feels like someone turned the heater on emer. heat... even though it is 76ish outside. Not pleasant. I promptly sent the boys outside to play, thank goodness for a large backyard. I could never live in a city... I don't know how they do it. Then big Kiale arrived home... once again not pleasant. We spent the remainder of the afternoon bickering back and forth about how big to make the fence where to put it and so on and so forth... you get the picture. I don't know what the issue was today but was it just all of my guys that were grouchy or were all guys grouchy today... All I have to say is if I have another day like this tomorrow I think I am going to go bonkers and Cayleigh-Grace and I are going to have to go on a Mommy and Daughter vacation and leave the boys to their miserableness. The can be "happy" together.

Did I mention that Cayleigh-Grace is fixing to cut her bottom teeth, there are two white lines that you can see now, you cannot feel them yet but you can see them. At least she was in a decent mood today, not great but decent... maybe we all just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning... it happens.

Thankfully big Kiale is back to his sweet self, we have the fence figured out, and all of the kids are asleep. I am so glad that these crazy days are few and far between. I don't know what I would do if they were constantly like that... I would probably have to crawl in a hole and just disappear I guess.

One more thing... look who can sit up now (with or without the Boppy)