This is difficult... Predeployment.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Written January 2, 2011~ This part of being a military wife is hard to say the least. I don't even think the word difficult could even begin to describe the feelings and emotions that are surrounding my husband and myself right now. We are down to just a few short weeks before this deployment begins and it is hard to even describe what I am feeling. Today for instance I woke up and it was the first thing that I thought of. These days are the hardest. Its like I have this clock in the back of my mind that is a fixture in my peripheral vision. It isn't your normal everyday clock that is ticking away the minutes of the day, but it is a clock that is ticking down. Taking time away from us and it is constantly making its presence known. Every sweet moment between my kids and their daddy and even in the night when my husband and I have just finished making love the clock chimes and reminds me that the day is gone and that this is one last time that I will be able to hold my love for the next year or even see him wrestle with the boys or snuggle with our Grace. This is usually when the tears begin to fall and when the sadness sets in. This is when I feel the most vulnerable and the most transparent. It always hits me the hardest after sex, I don't know if it is just the emotion and hormones that are released that brings all of the sadness of pre-deployment to the forefront of my mind to the point where I cannot block it out or what, but as soon as we are through the tears start to fall.

Later on the 2nd~ Going about my day to day things no one could even guess that we are facing deployment. Unless you were to come into our house and see the bags and bags of Army gear packed and ready to be shipped overseas. We are not acting different and whatever emotion we are feeling is safely tucked away during any away time. Even when we are home and just doing our normal every day things it is as if this deployment is just a word and a thing we have to go through. We do not dwell on it and we do not even really discuss it. It is just there the big elephant in the room that at this point in time is staying silent in its corner just waiting and watching for when the ball finally decides to drop and become a permanent fixture in our household. The kids know and have known for quite some time. I was discussing it with the boys today while KS was at work (it is easier for me to talk about it when he isn't here) I was reiterating the fact that KS will be gone for a year, he will miss holidays, birthdays, plays, and anything else of significance trying to make sure that the boys understand what is going on and Colin flat out said the only thing he understands is that KS will be gone. I guess for a five year old that is all I can expect and really all that he needs to understand. They all know that KS loves them and wants to be here but he has to go and fight a fight to insure that people and families just like us are kept safe, and that parents can tuck their kids into bed at night without having to worry about terrible things happening. The next part will be to remind the kids day after day that KS loves them dearly and that he wants to be home but at this point in time he needs to be over there helping to protect everything that this country stands for.


Jennifer said...

Big hugs!!!

It's never easy. And it doesn't get easier. But know that you CAN and you WILL get through this. Not only will you go through a journey of deployment as a military spouse -- you will also go through a journey of strength and self-discovery. You will find yourself doing things that you never imagined you could.

You will find that some days pass in the blink of an eye and some days seem to drag on forever. You will learn that it's ok to cry and be angry. And your kids will see that it's ok too.

You are not alone. Even though you may feel that way....a lot.

I will be praying for you and your family, and know that I'm just an email away if you ever need to chat or vent.

Kathy said...

Well, the commenter before me pretty much sums it up--and very well, I might add. I will pray for all of you as you travel this new journey. My heart goes out especially to you, as I remember the loneliness all too well (even after 40 years)...Chin up, girl! You can do this--and time has a way of passing quickly! ((hugs to you))

KBH said...

(hugs) to you and your family.

Beka said...

I'm a new follower and I love your story. You have a beautiful family! Second, I'm not pro because this is our first deployment together (his second) but I do know that at first I had more bad days then good days. After time went by and I got into my own routine, I noticed that the good days outweighed the bad. It was still hard but it seems to get a tiny bit easier. He's been gone 6 months and he just came home for R&R. We are half way through. I'm hoping that sending him back isn't as hard as seeing him off the first time.
All we can do it is put one foot in front of the other. One step at time! Nights can get lonely, just stay busy and remember that everyday that passes is a day closer to seeing him again! Keep your head up, you can do this!! <3

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