Saturday, October 17, 2009
Well... I was hoping that after last night I would wake up fine and happy like I have been these past couple of weeks again. Didn't happen. I even got to the point last night where I was asking KS to switch from active duty to active duty reserve so we wouldn't have to move. He just said and I quote... "damn, you need to make up your mind." The problem is is that I will not ever be able to fully make up my mind. I don't think I have ever felt so torn about a decision in my life. On one hand I want my kids to see and experience more than small town USA... and then on the other hand I don't want to take this from them at all, and to be blunt I don't want to leave my family. I have been pushing the sadness about the move away so much that now that it has finally hit me... well once it decided to hit it hit like a freakin Mac truck going 90 and then head on slamming into a brick wall! Basically I want my cake and I want to eat it too (did I ever mention how much I HATE that saying.) I still know that going full active duty is going to be the best route for our family. We are going to pay EVERYTHING off and start fresh debt free (once we sell our house that is) and then from there the world will be my kids playground... so I guess it is time to put my big girl panties on... I just don't think they are fitting very well right now. It might take me a while to grow into them so please bare with me... I am going to need lots of support to get through the next few months if I am going to get through this and still be me at the end of it.