It has begun...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Well the freaking out that is... and the bickering and the anger... and the tears. The worst part all of this is me. He is his usual calm cool and collected self, and I think that is what is pissing me off so much. He doesn't even act like it bothers him to leave us. If you have ever met my husband you would realize that he is the hold it all on the inside type. It has always irked me because I have NEVER got a straight answer out of the man and I never know what is going on inside that head of his... and this situation is no different... I have so many emotions going on inside my body right now... but at the end of the day I know they are all rooted from the same thing. I am sad because I do not want him to leave us. This road is starting to get really bumpy... and the tears have began to flow for two nights now. I cannot even look at KS without tearing up much less touch him. We have sat on separate couches for the past two nights because I just don't know if I can keep my emotions in check if I were to lay with him like we usually do. You see I am a cry silently and just let the tears roll type of girl. So KS never even knows when I am upset and having a rough time with things... guess we are a lot alike after all, just noticed that...

I completley took all of my frustrations out on Colin this morning, poor kid... all over him no keeping his jaw still while I was brushing his teeth... I threw the tooth brush across the room and everything. Then went into my room chilled out for a few minutes and then apologized to Colin and explained to the boys that I might be a little short tempered for the next few weeks but it isn't their fault I am just really sad that Daddy has to leave. They both said it was okay and that they understand. Then they asked me why I was talking funny and I said b/c I was trying not to cry. That got me two big bear hugs and two sweet boys telling me that everything will be okay. I am really going to have to keep my head on straight and make sure that I know when to walk away for situations for the next few weeks, I did not mean to take out all of my frustration on Colin... but sometimes you just cannot help it...

Kiale asked me last night once he realized that I was crying and basically having a complete breakdown why I am having all of the regret and second guessing our decision now and I told him I do not regret it at all. I am looking forward to being in the Army and I cannot wait for everything that we will get to see and experience, I just don't want him to leave us.... and really that is all it boils down to. I don't want him to leave.

12 days...

5 comments:

Belle said...

When a father/ husband leaves his family {whether it is for good or bad} it is difficult not to pass your frustrations out on your children. But if you try not to they will not take it so bad when it does happen. Also it helps them to understand that the feelings they may be having {abandonment or sadness, etc.} are okay feelings to have. If the children and you are open about your feelings it will help when emotions boil over and things get out of hand, everyone will know that emotions are okay to have and okay to express as long as you try to not hurt others in the process of expressing your emotions. And if someone does get hurt in the process to always apologize.

JG said...

If it helps at all, know that this is all completely normal. A few weeks ago David was spending even more time than usual playing video games in the evenings - basically he would come home from work, run, play, eat dinner, play, go to bed. At first I let it go as "stress relief" or front-loading the next year when he wouldn't be getting any play time. But then I started resenting it - aren't you going to miss me more than your computer?? People just deal with things in different ways. And the last couple of weeks we really brought things into focus for both of us, and we were able to really make them count.

Brittany and Charlie-Social Butterfly said...

Just breathe and take one day at a time!

Corin said...

Wow, you guys are such a strong family. I totally commend you for being so honest and open with your kids about the way you feel. I know those days so well, when you just take so much out on them, and end up apologizing all day! Although, I don't know what it's like to have to face my husband leaving, I know what it's like to be a frusterated mother/wife. Hang in there!

Kathryn said...

Hey!! It sounds like your husband and mine are completely the same!! The differnece between you and me is that I am NOT the silent crier!!! Matt is gone alot right now too, but not for a military job. He is working for his dad over the winter. He has been gone for over a week now and it SUCKS!!! But like you I know that this is the best decision for our family!! Like you I don't regret it for one minute, but like you, I don't want to be without him!! You will get thru this, and when you do you will be so much stronger than you were before!!! Just lean on God, family and friends and don't be afraid to ask for help or say that you need a break!!! You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts thru these upcoming months!!!

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