6 Months Tomorrow

Monday, March 2, 2009

*UPDATE 3-3-09 Feeling much better today, yesterday was just a rough day for me. Thank you for those of you who bared with me through this post. It is something that has been on my mind and bothering me a lot lately and last night it just all came to a head*

Well my baby girl turns 6 months old tomorrow, and all I want to do is cry. Time is going so fast and I hate it. I cherish the sweet baby stage so much, granted I love all of the stages, but this one is the most precious. After tomorrow my exclusively breastfed baby will be no more. I will be introducing solid food tomorrow... unless I manage to talk myself out of it, which happens to be a distinct possibility. The 6 month marker is such a huge month and so full of milestones. At 6 months she will most likely become "mobile" at least that's when both of the boys became "mobile" so I am figuring she may follow suit. I am just not ready for any of this, the time has gone to fast and I find myself ill prepared for everything that comes during the 6-12 month and beyond marker. During the days following Cayleigh-Grace's birth all I did was hold her cherishing every moment of her newbornness We would spend hours laying on the couch together with her sleeping on my chest b/c I knew just how short that precious time was. I was sitting here earlier just messing around reading other blogs and she was here just setting on my lap and she was bouncing her little leg up and down while she held onto my arm and was leaning against my chest. During those sweet couple of minutes all I could think about was how I didn't want to few minutes to end, and how much I appreciated having a baby that totally loves to be held and snuggled with and that will just sit there with me and let me love and hold her. I totally attribute that to those first couple of months where she was nowhere else but in my arms. We literally did not put her down at all for a good 2 weeks following her birth, if she wasn't in my arms she was in Kiale's or one of the boys arms. We just held her and loved on her constantly, and we still do.

With both of the boys I couldn't wait for all of their milestones, but with her it is so different. I am literally dreading them. I don't want any of them to come... I started Kiale on solids at 5 months and Colin started them at 4.5 months and here is Cayleigh-Grace at 6 months old and I haven't started her on solids yet and honestly I seriously doubt that I start her on them tomorrow. She is still sleeping through the night and she doesn't need them yet. Her breastfeeding patterns haven't changed and she is still completely satisfied with my breastmilk alone, and I am absolutly dreading starting her on solids for some reason. I don't understand why all of her milestones are surrounded by a sort of sadness for me this go round. Normally they are such an exciting and happy time, and I just find myself so saddened by them. Trust me I am VERY grateful to have a wonderfully happy, healthy, and thriving baby who is growing normally and is hitting every milestone right on time and perfectly. Its just that I know that once she hits them it closes a chapter in her life that will never be open again. That's the only bad and heartbreaking thing about babies, they are so open and close when it comes to their lives. Every new breakthrough that they make closes a door behind them, and it is so hard for me to believe that at 23 this could be the last time that I experience any of this with my own children. It is so so hard... to think that we could already be done with this stage of our lives. It truly breaks my heart. I know that a lot of people don't want to see Kiale and I have anymore children, and I see the point that we have three happy and healthy children, we have our girl so we should be "done" and we probably are but it makes me so sad to think that we are finished. I feel like I am battling this battle inside myself that I really cannot express outwardly b/c I don't see anyone else understanding what I am going through. I had my first son at 18 my second son at 19 and my daughter at 23... do you realize how young that is. The thought that I wont be experiencing another pregnancy, another labor, another instance where I get to feel those first sweet butterflies of feet and hands moving around in my womb, another foot that is constantly poking me and getting stuck under my ribs... the thought is so beyond heartbreaking for me. I don't even think words can express the sorrow that fills my body and mind whenever I think about it, and time passing so quickly with Cayleigh-Grace makes it all that much harder...

By the way, she started waving last Monday, I think I forgot to tell you, and she clapped yesterday for the first time. She is such an amazing baby, all of my kids are. We have been so blessed to have three brilliant and loving children. God has truly smiled down upon our family.


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